Aiming for perfection…



This is what I want. Be perfect on the outside. Be understood as lovely and adored by everyone. I need acceptation, validation.
My body is normal but I want to be perfect. It’s hard when you don’t like what you see, it’s hard to change what you see if there’s no empathy for the fat that keeps staying.

I just want to have something in control, something that I decide over… 
As my body is mine I do have all the right over it to change it, even break it if I want to…

You just don’t understand

I thought I’d be fixed by now,
but what you said was horrible,
so what am I supposed to do?

There’s nothing left to try for
why did you stay so long, then?
I got nothing of use, not anymore.

I can’t lie to myself but to you,
it won’t work but just break.
All you did was to fuel the dark
you just left me spinning without a north.
What am I supposed to do?

The burden of your words weight me down,
the silence      just aches
and somehow it all just leaves me broken on the ground.

I thought I’d be fixed by now
that it all will be better,
looks like you didn’t catch it somehow.

No remorse in these words I speak,
no viper tongue or killing stares
I don’t need it when you’re so bleak.

You forgot who you’re talking to
but in time I’ll remind you.
I thought I’d be fixed by now
and I am, you just don’t understand.

Death, Love & Pain.

Death, always alluring, always haunting. Like a presence I can’t really shake off.
Softly whispering my name, softly pretending to be my friend. Clearly avoiding to be called “the end”. But it will never scare me, as it has always been by my side. Like a long lost friend, when my time comes I will embrace it without a shadow of a doubt.

Love, not really wanting to stand up for me. like a dodging ball running down the street. I want it so badly. Badly, it’s lacking scare me every day. Badly it wounds me by not existing. somehow, somewhere it’s supposed to come around, to face me and adore me. I’ve been told it comes around when you least expect it, but be careful you might meet his friend “deceive” first. It might trick you into believing it was there all the while, but it just ran off with your beating heart.

Pain, my best friend since I don’t know when. Always by my side, always hoping I will come back to the dark. Always trying to convince I’m better with it. Expecting me to come back hiding in its arms. Always, there for me, always waiting for my comeback.


Is it enough to sit waiting?
My mind racing, blaming myself,
how did I end up hating?
Out there, is there someone else?

Sometimes it’s better to not ask why,
sometimes it’s better to hide.
Should I run?
Should my heart burn?

Maybe leave for good,
hide all the emotions forever.
Run from myself and you,
run to maybe find something better.
But will it ever come?

Moulin Rouge and it’s interpretation of duality of Love

Moulin Rouge shows how Love can be understood as the force behind intentions (Satine) and the force ruling this world (Christian) and it’s really nice how they show the change in Satine when she falls in love with Christian.
The decision to sacrifice herself for love it’s the most powerful decision ever.

But it all starts in the medley, were you also can see the two different points of view people can have about love.


Pain, pulling me up
up from under the water
through blood and tears
now i don’t matter
washed away in my fears.

There you stand,
not my promise land.

Not caring about the world,
rivers down my cheeks,
and i thought i was your girl,
thought i was the one.

Again, mistaken,
not forgiven,
just broken.

There you are tall,
me lying low,
dying slow,
and you don’t notice the fall.