How?

How do I drown the pain I’m feeling? It lives inside me like a burning flame. It’s warmth spreading under my skin, everyday it gets more gasoline. Slowly creating a void inside me, filling me up with doubt and loathe. How come I can’t keep up? How come I can’t be happy?

Vent and Rant #3

Sometimes I wonder what will happen next. I’m scared but thrilled at the same time. I know I’m always complaining about being boring or having a boring life. Always comparing myself to the luck of others, especially in the matters of the heart.
I do find myself normal, not hard to look on and kind of smart. But still there’s a dark cloud above my head, still do I long for that epic romance.
All the while I’m longing I’m also putting myself down. Knowing I’m damaged deep inside, pain and rage are still living in my deepest corners.Therefore, there are times when I doubt someone might like me as I am. Why would they?

I’m scared of showing myself to the outside world because they will instantly judge but what I’m most terrified of is to never know true love. People say I’m still young and that my time will come but I just feel like a flower that’s withering day by day…

Do you want my love?

Do you want my love
or should I just throw it away?
Do I still stand a chance
and maybe get you to stay?

There are so many questions
piling up inside my head.
It’s not that I can’t take the tension,
I just don’t wanna feel dead.

Your eyes seem to say you love me
but I’m really not sure; it could be false.
I want to lay down beside you
and erase all the close calls.

Rant #1

I’ve cried all I could and emptied what I felt. There’s no more there left for you or them.I’m starting to slowly build my defenses up and turn things around. What tears and claws at my heart it’s the neglecting and refusing from the loved ones. If I don’t care about you it doesn’t matter what you think of me.
Maybe I should just be silent, speak when they need me. Learn to vent to myself. No angry or mean words, no more. I’ll build up the walls I had before but trying not to hate me in the process, this time.

Might be there’s no reason for me to be as I am as it all comes down to a belief that self value is the best a person can have.

Is it me?

I’m starting to read between your lines,
realizing it wasn’t always that sunny by your side.
So now that I know you stabbed me,
could you tell all your lies?

We all know I haven’t had the best year,
but you wormed your way in just to deceive me.
Things started to pull at the seams and tear,
and I wonder who is at fault, is it me?

 

Crash

Certain things won’t ever make sense,
but still I can’t keep my mind from spinning.
Though we’re now in a past tense,
with you I was never sure of winning.

Still you decide to come around once more,
all we ever did was stumbling into being misunderstood.
Always got the feeling that you thought I was a bore,
now all that’s around us is the growing flood.

All the tears dried up fast still the pain last,
now I’m rewarded with weak tries after we called quit.
Thought it wouldn’t happen, but we did crash.