Most of the time all the thoughts just get pent up inside my head, I need to write them down in order to realize what they mean. Same way with feelings. Words are powerful and sometimes not even enough.
The last days I’ve been very caught up in my on mind, rethinking and replaying various sentences and precise words to form a meaning of what I need to say.
You need and answer as well as I do for myself and my heart, but it’s hard. I need to know where to cross the line and stand sure of myself. After all we’ve been through these two past weeks I’m not even sure towards where we’re heading.
Yes you were kind and I wasn’t that much at times, but still you don’t know how much you really hurt me when you didn’t say nothing at all. I started judging myself and what I meant to you, or if I meant anything at all.
The fact that you don’t say what’s going on scares me, because I don’t want to be in that position again of that I’m certain.
You ask things of me that I’m not sure I can give to you, that I’m not sure that i can change as much as you would want me to. Not because I believe it’s ingrained in me but because old habits die hard and we all know it.
I’ve suffered before and a greater deal more, the only thing I learnt from that was what I did not want in the future, and in a way I believe I might end similarly if we keep this up.
Your perception was and is to go on, there’s nothing to keep forward from. What we left in London left with us and broke us apart. There was no awkward silence or decision to let time do what it does best: to heal.
No, I called the shots and broke up. I saw no way of getting out of the thorns; no happiness no more. You, just existed in that room, silent and accepting. Really I’ll never be sure why you did that.
Telling me you won’t reach out for someone who “doesn’t want you” is foul, we all want to be loved even when the loved one turns away; that’s how it works. But you are sure of that so maybe you don’t believe I’m the one for you though you still say you want me in every way.
Seeing all this i don’t know what I want from neither of us, don’t want to hurt you after all. I need to think about it for some time, taking into account what I expect in a larger scale of relationships. And i do have in mind that I’m no the best at my words and tone when speaking, I’m raw; but that’s because my insides have been torn apart and never properly healed. I think that’s my problem: believing too much in the power of feelings (especially love) while being so broken by the insides. It don’t do me good and it won’t do you any better.
Here I am, instead of questioning what’s going on and how i react to it I am wondering about how good I might be for you… I always come back to my fears, i always remember myself how monstrous I can be. So maybe is about that, about how hurtful I can be towards you. And i don’t think you deserve that, not from me, not now.